Gang agley

There is a chair I have, and I wanted to clean it before my guests come, because my dog, pictured below seated upon the chair in question, has caused some, shall we say, uncleanliness to the cushions. Let's just say that when he stands on the chair to look out the window, if he sees a cat outside, he cannot contain his excitement.



A very troublesome beast

Because of my canine's excitability--and, before him, the like issue with my cats--I keep on hand industrial-size containers of a certain product called Nature's Miracle. It does yeoman's work, but I wanted to clean the cushions nevertheless.

So I went to the hardware store on Saturday afternoon to see if their carpet cleaner, which has attachments for upholstery, was available to rent. It was, and I rented it. I took it home in my car, lugged it down the outside stairs to my apartment, read the instructions about how to attach the upholstery cleaner--you had to switch a vacuum hose and water hose--filled the bucket with water and cleaner and got started. The fabric on the chair is a faux* suede and I hoped it could take it, but I didn't really care if it got damaged or discolored. As I worked, I discovered that not only the back cushion could be detached, which I already knew, but also the bottom cushion easily pulled out. Then I saw that there were zippers cleverly hidden so that presumably the covers could come off the cushions.

I have never used a water-extraction cleaning machine before, so I wasn't sure how it was supposed to work, but it seemed like although there was powerful vacuum there was not much water happening to the cushions. Then I saw that there was a lot of water happening on the floor under the machine. I switched everything off, got some towels to mop up the puddle and tried to figure out what I had done wrong. I discovered that when I was running the machine the water was spraying out of the connection where I had hooked up the upholstery attachment water hose. I tried to figure out if I had hooked it up wrong, but I couldn't see any other way to connect it.

By now it was a quarter to five, so I called the hardware store to see when they closed. They did not close till six, so I emptied out the bucket of water and cleaner, dried everything up, and changed into drier clothes. I lugged the machine back up the outside steps to my car and heaved it inside, then drove the whole caboodle back to the store. I asked if I had been hooking it up wrong, but the very courteous and helpful staff thought more likely an O-ring needed repair, so they returned my rental money.

I came home and tried unzipping the cushion covers. I was able to remove the covers, and I threw them in the washer and washed them in warm water, then dried them by running them in the dryer without heat. This morning they were perfectly dry and clean, I stuffed the cushions back into them and, voila, they are clean and in good condition.

I kept thinking of the Robert Burns line, something to the effect of, "The best laid plans of mice and men go oft astray." I looked it up today online, and it's, "The best laid schemes o' mice an' men / Gang aft agley." That must be why people don't often quote the second half. Unless you are an actual Scot you can't really say "gang aft agley" without sounding like a complete dork. And who knows what the genuine Scottish pronunciation would be? You might say it all wrong, so that a Scot would merely look at you in puzzlement when you quoted his country's greatest poet. Here's a link to the poem "To a Mouse," which is where the line comes from.

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*Don't you love the word faux? It's French for fake. The first time I saw it used to describe merchandise was in a magazine advertisement for "faux pearls," which sounds like extra-special pearls from some lagoon in Provence.